I’m Sad With Me … By Cheri Douglas
Saturday, December 5th, 2009
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
I am sure that my daughter and her husband had a prophetic moment when they named my granddaughter, Belle. She has always, even as an infant, been heart-stopping-drop- dead-beautiful. As she arrived to spend the day with me just after her 4th birthday, I saw her romping up the front walk. Her black silky hair was glistening and flying in the wind, as she ran in yelling, “Grammy! Grammy! I love you Grammy. Do we get to go shopping?”
I grabbed her, held her in my arms and looked down into her sparkling eyes,that looked like big chocolate drops. As I noticed again her sweet smile, beautiful velvety rosy cheeks and olive skin, I melted, as usual into a pool of love. There hasn’t ever been much that Belle ever wanted that she couldn’t get from me. She’s like having your very own sweet lovely Disney princess in your very own family. And for the most part, her spirit has always been just as lovely as her face. So, it didn’t take much after her parents left on their outing, for Belle and I to decide that we would indeed go shopping.
So, I buckled her in, popped in our favorite Veggie Tales CD, and we were off across town singing silly songs to the Lord as we drove. In between songs, Belle would look at me and say, “I love you Grammy!”. “I love you too sweetheart”, I would answer with tears in my eyes. My mind would wander over my own very different childhood. I whispered my thanks to God for finding me and changing my life so much that now I could be experiencing this beautiful day and this sweet little child who loved Jesus.
I had about three stores on my shopping list. As we went from store to store, I heard this lovely child become increasingly loud and demanding with, “I want this and I want that”. Every thing that caught her eye would elicit, “ Grammy please can I have that?”. I noticed that her tone of voice grew more and more irritating from store to store, as though my sweet princess was becoming drunk with STUFF! I had told her she could pick one small thing in each store. But in the presence of so many choices, one thing just wasn’t enough for her little 4 year-old decision-making process. So, she had grown increasingly whiny and anxious. Her newly discovered attitude of entitlement was beginning to wear thin and grate on my nerves and my ears!
As we came into the third store, I wished I had gone home early, but I really did have something on my own list I needed to pick up. The first thing Belle said in this store, was, “I need some new pink sockies Grammy”. I thought to myself, ”Sockies? That’s good. Not too much expense, and she will be happy”. Silly me!!
We arrived at the pink sock display with me pushing Belle in the shopping cart. She immediately started looking at all the other socks, panties, jammies, belts, hats…you name it. I showed her the pink princess socks I knew she would love. She grabbed them out of my hands and spewed out, “I know you wouldn’t even get me any panties and jimmies too!” Her tone of voice was manipulative, whiny and sarcastic. My Disney princess had turned into a greedy little monster in front of my very own eyes. Something clicked in me and I knew I couldn’t reward this spirit, lest I begin to loose my beautiful princess forever.
So, I said to her, “You are right! In fact, I do not like your attitude. You are acting very ugly. So you are not going to get the sockies either”. I wrestled the socks out of her grip and hung them back on the display and drove my shopping cart away with one very unhappy 4 year-old on board. She cried and begged for the socks as I continued shopping and suddenly fell asleep in the cart. I thought that her sleepiness probably had a lot to do with her whininess, which I had never seen in her before ….or since!
As I finished up my shopping, I was truly grateful to Belle for falling asleep. Life was so much better shopping without a constant argument from her. For the first time, I began to realize that Belle, like us all, was born a sinner. It didn’t matter much how beautiful she was on the outside. Even she could be gripped by greed and selfishness and become ugly to those around her. My responsibility to be a Grammy who helped shape her into a Christ-like character, and not just indulge her to her own detriment, really settled in on me.
As I finished shopping, it occurred to me that the pink sockies could be a great reward for her at some later time, since she liked them so much. So, as she slept, I went back to the little girls section, and grabbed the socks. I carefully hid them away under other things so that she wouldn’t see them.
We went to the register and took our place in line. A young couple stood behind us, as Belle began to awaken. She lifted her head and opened her eyes and looked around. As usually, the strangers behind us began to look at her and say, “Hello, what a beautiful little girl you are!” She looked at them and at me with a “don’t bother me” expression and made a noise that sounded something like,”Herumph!” She threw her head back down with a snap to not look at anyone. The strangers looked shocked! I told them that she wasn’t really in the mood to act like a pretty little girl at the moment. When she looked up at me, I dug out the hidden pink sockies and showed them to her. I then made sure she saw me, with a large sweeping gesture, set them aside on the counter in order to leave them behind at the store….one more time. I felt a little abusive, but the need for her to experience more consequences from her bad behavior overcame me. She put her head down and hid her eyes from me again. My heart ached. I had never had a standoff of wills with my sweet Belle before.
I checked out through the register and began to push my cart of purchases and Belle out the front door of the store. As we crossed over the threshold of the door, Belle began to wail! She sobbed and cried crocodile tears. Thinking she was now mad at me, I sensed that a teachable moment was here, so I pulled the cart aside to talk her through why she didn’t get her socks. I braced myself, expecting to hear how mean I was to her and how I didn’t love her, or even worse, how she didn’t love me…Ugh! I just knew she would blame me for not being nice to her.
So, I asked, “ Why are you crying Belle?”
Sniffling and snorting and choking back her tears, she said, “I’m sad with me Grammy.” And she began to weep again.
“You’re sad with you? Why are you sad with you?” I asked, a bit puzzled at her response.
“Cuz I beed ugly…and I’m sad with me when I be ugly”.
Tears began to well in my eyes as I felt the power and warmth of the Holy Spirit flow between us. I thought of how wonderful it would be it the adults I come in contact with could have such a sensitive conscience and such transparent ownership of their own sinful actions. I felt a huge compulsion to make this a spiritual bonding and learning time between Belle and I.
I asked, “Do you know what to do to feel better when you are sad with you?”
She looked up at me with her huge chocolate eyes filled with tears, her delicate cheeks drippy wet from crying and wiping her nose with her pink sleeve. She shook her head, “No” and caught her breath with that choppy snorting we do when we can’t hardly stop crying.
“Do you want to know how to feel better?” I asked.
“U…huh,” she nodded yes.
So, I pulled the shopping cart over from the middle of the parking lot and found a little quiet space next to the building, as people and cars bustled by around us. “Well, first,” I said, “You have to tell Jesus and anyone you made sad thatyou have been ugly and ask if they will forgive you. And when you do that Jesus and I have to forgive you. And when that happens, it all goes away. In fact, we even forget it ever happened! It’s like everything is brand new again and you can let go of your sadness and be happy like it never even happened. I forget it and Jesus forgets it and you get to forget it too!”
“Do you want to do that?” I asked.
She shook her little silky head of hair yes.
“OK. So first you can tell me you are sorry for acting ugly,” I instructed.
“Grammy,” she sniffled, “I am sorry I beed ugly with you.”
“Now you have to ask me to forgive you.” I continued…This is where we all want to skate out of the process!
She look up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and asked, “Will you forgive me Grammy?”
“Yes!” I assured her. “In fact,” I said, “I just forgot what we are talking about. Jesus says He buries the ugly things we confess in the deepest ocean. So I think that where it’s gone. I just feel happy about you.”
“Shall we pray and tell Jesus the same thing?” I asked?
“U..huh!” She said with her little head bobbing up and down.
I urged her, “Let’s hold hands and you just talk to Jesus.”
In her tiny little innocent voice, she prayed, “Dear Jesus, I am sorry I beed ugly. I don’t want to be ugly. I don’t want to be sad with me. I want to be happy.”
“Ask Him to forgive you,” I whispered.
“Can you forgive me Jesus?” Belle pleaded.
Suddenly Belle looked up at me and said, “Grammy, I feel happy now. I’m hap hap happy!” She began to put hap hap happy to music as she sang on the way to the car.
We sang that song most of the way home and I felt as though I had been in the middle of a powerful spiritual event with one of God’s sweet little souls. I had gotten to witness the Fine Art of the Almighty God when He molds a heart into a grand sculpture of His image. How I ached for the world of adults to know what so naturally poured out of Belle’s sweet contrite heart. It was as though God, Himself, had laid his hand upon her in that busy parking lot that day. How many of our messes we adults could clean up and not worsen, if only we could just bring ourselves to admit, “I’m sad with me! I beed ugly. Can you forgive me?”
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
©Cheri Douglas/When Heaven Comes to Dwell/ all rights reserved 2009